Have you ever had your heart ripped out your chest and then placed back in there like nothing ever happened? I have and it’s a terrible feeling. When I found out I was pregnant with our 4th baby, I was a little surprised and unsure because of the test. The pregnancy test showed the line was very very faint indicating it was a positive. When I went back and read the instructions, it said even if the line appeared faded it was a yes. I was good and late on my period, so I knew it was def a big you’re knocked up. I shared the news with my husband and he was all smiles. I was a little overdue for my annual violation exam (pap smear) , so I figured I would call my OBGYN office to get that out-of-the-way before I started all the prenatal care. When the receptionist pulled up my records to set the appointment, she informed me they would likely want to see me ASAP since I was overdue and to confirm the pregnancy since the lines were super faded. I agreed and set the appointment for that following week. For good measures, the next morning I took the second test in the box and it also triggered this super faint positive.
When the shit hit the fan
We arrived to the appointment, on time and ready to go! Everything was going great. They did their own pee test which came back positive and had me talk to one of the doctors at the practice I go to for care. This doctor is the owner and I am very familiar with him. So we head to the ultrasound room because at the point I was in the pregnancy based off my period etc there should-be a little curled up something in there with a heartbeat. As soon as he began the exam we saw the sac. He said, “Okay, there is the sac so you are pregnant”. But then he got quiet. He moved around a bit more, zoomed in and let out a little hmm. We all saw what he saw. An empty sac. He didn’t freak out or anything. He calmly looked around more and again and informed us either my dates were super off or something was wrong with the pregnancy. He said everything looked very normal so he wanted to do a follow-up a week later. After leaving the room, I did all the labs and such. We scheduled the next appointment and left. All I could think about was that the sac was empty and something really could be wrong.
Waiting that week for the next appointment was so nerve wrecking. I felt reassured everything was fine because I really was having a ton of pregnancy symptoms and my hubby kept telling me everything was okay. Well, that appointment arrived and I wasn’t able to see the original doctor because he had a family emergency. I had to see one of the new doctors they had hired who replaced my ex-OBGYN. So I had never met this lady, didn’t know her from a can of paint but she seemed like she would be okay. She knew what we were there for, so it was straight to the ultrasound room. She started the exam and we saw that the sac was still in fact empty. There was no fetal pole, no heartbeat..nothing just silence. My heart dropped and I wanted to cry immediately but I held my composure and said what now?
She said she was sorry but the pregnancy was a loss. She recommended having a D&C done to terminate the unviable pregnancy. It was recommended to get it done as soon as possible as my body showed no signs of miscarrying on its own. I felt like shit. I made the appointment to sign the paperwork for the surgery. The next appointment was a week later. I cried instantly when we got in the car. I felt like it was my fault or I had done something wrong. A lot of women do not talk about miscarriages because it’s such a shitty subject. I had to talk to someone so my circle of friends heard me out. We all cried about it as well. I was super late to the appointment to sign the papers for the surgery and did not give a fuck about it. The lady doctor seemed annoyed that I was late to the appointment with her. She even made a comment saying something about being on time and I snapped on her. I said, “Well I don’t know anyone who wants to be on time to an appointment in regards to losing their baby, so everyone can wait including you”. I kept asking her was she sure it was a loss and she kept silently shaking her head yes and telling me why it was a loss and how she determined it was. She read through the information for the surgery and the type of miscarriage I was experiencing. Blighted Ovum.
Preparing for surgery
I cried and cried and cried. I was super depressed and felt like my world was crumbling around me. Some people who knew of the situation did not offer any kind words or say the right things. I had one person tell me that miscarriages are apart of being a woman. I also hated hearing you can always try again… The week leading up to the surgery, I did A LOT of research about it. I wanted to understand. A blighted ovum is also referred to as an anembryonic pregnancy. This is caused by a fertilized egg attaching itself to the wall of the uterus but the embryo fails or stops developing. With a normal pregnancy the sac will be a certain size with an embryo inside. With a blighted ovum, the sac is there and gets bigger but nothing will grow inside of it. A blighted ovum happens during the first trimester. Usually before the women confirms she is pregnant. Some women pass it on their own and others (like me) don’t and need the D&C procedure done. Luckily for a lot of women, a blighted ovum is a one-time thing and doesn’t repeatedly happen.
I read some stories where women had a bad diagnosis and nothing was wrong but in like the majority of the cases I read about it def was a loss. I had never had surgery before so I was a bit scared. I had never been put under before. I scheduled the surgery with the other OBGYN I was very familiar with and trusted. I wasn’t letting that bitch touch me. I waited for a while in the little area, in a hospital gown. I looked like shit. They had me sign more papers, and even a paper in regards to what I wanted them to do with the “remains”. I could take them with me or have them placed in the little memorial garden the hospital had for miscarried and still-born babies. I signed to have them to place it there. My husband was by my side up until they were ready to take me to the back to put me under. I was given some medication to calm down, which let me sleep a little while I waited. I was also given something to jump-start contractions to make the procedure a little easier. I don’t want to go into detail on how it’s done because it’s rather graphic. So I get to the cold operating room. The nurses are all telling me one by one they are sorry for my loss. The anesthesiologist explained what he was giving me and that I would be fine. He took out a needle and grabbed my IV line and he told me to look at him and count to 10. I got to 2 and was out like a light. I don’t remember anything else as far as being in the operating room goes.
Okay it’s over…
I woke up in the recovery area to my OBGYN smiling at me. First thing I thought was why in the hell is this guy smiling at me? He said somethings that I didn’t remember and I remember I started crying then went right back to sleep. I woke up a bit later and the nurse asked me how I felt and if I could stand up to go pee. I sat up and she told me good job. I went to the bathroom dragging along an IV pole and was a bit groggy still. I got into the bathroom to tinkle and noticed there was a little spotting but not as much as I thought there would be and I was crampy. I came back out and she told me she was going to remove the IV line and then I could get dressed so I can get discharged. I got dressed, but I was still a little loopy and put my shoes on the wrong feet. She helped me and gave me a bag with some of my things in it. She took a portion out of my paperwork and said I didn’t need it and mumbled some other stuff. She called for the wheelchair and helped me sit down and she gave me a hug and told me congratulations and wished me the best of luck.
What in the hell!?
I thought nothing of it and said ok (still high at this point). I was pushed out to my hubby and they told him to pull the car around. I sat there in the wheelchair feeling numb. I was super hungry and was craving a steak and potatoes from Longhorns. No one told me that being put under with the meds makes you want certain things when you wake up. They both helped me into the car and we began our “babyless” journey home. Hubby gave me a nice teddy bear that said I love You on it that he got from the gift shop. He seemed so cheerful and I was just kinda blah over in the passenger seat. I asked him how did everything go? He told me it went great. I thought okay either everyone in this dream and moment of me being on a cloud is crazy or something is up. He asked me if I remembered anything and I told him not really. He informed me nothing was done. I wasn’t even back there for a long time because my OBGYN called off the surgery shortly after I was put to sleep! My OBGYN apparently does what some doctors don’t do with this type of miscarriage and that is check one last time before the procedure to make sure it’s def a loss. I was put under and he did one last ultrasound (so this was technically my 3rd opinion) and he not only saw the embryo in the sac but also picked up a heartbeat! I was still pregnant! My embryo was just tardy to the party!
I was seen a few days later to give me time to rest. We had a follow-up appointment and I got to see my baby for the first time and got the due date. Thanksgiving 2015. A little peanut M&M sized curled up thing with a heartbeat. He explained to me what happened, and apologized for the actions of the other doctor. The first dr was right, my dates were off. However the second dr failed to look for any additional signs, or obtain additional information such as my period history for the past month etc. I ovulated very late in the cycle so my egg was fertilized at a point where I would’ve had a period or definitely gotten a nice solid positive. When I took the test implantation had just happened more than likely hours before. I had a fucked up cycle.
I was labeled as high risk the rest of the pregnancy. I had frequent visits and wasn’t allowed to do anything. It wasn’t the most fun and enjoyable pregnancy but I was okay with not doing anything to make sure my precious cargo arrived safe and sound. My OBGYN told me out of the 10 years he had been a doctor that I was the 2nd case he had of a “not so blighted ovum”. I am eternally grateful that he double checked.
so what happened?
The amount I paid out-of-pocket was refunded
The medical bills I had accumulated from the surgery were all paid off by the practice
The shitty dr who told me the pregnancy was a loss was advised not to have any appointments with me going forward
She was the dr on call who delivered my baby
Kali was born at 36 weeks. She was healthy and our smallest baby weighing only 6 pounds and 3 ounces. The entire time I was in labor I informed the nurse of everything that happened and she assured me she wouldn’t let that “Dr Kevorkian” harm me or my baby. She made sure she limited her contact with me coming in and out. The nurse did a lot. The shitty Dr delivered my baby quickly and without incident and the nurse told her politely but sarcastically she could go now. November 9th 2015 at 10:29am Kali had made her way into the world and into our hearts. Today (November 9th 2016) we have been holding and snuggling and watching our blighted ovum thrive. So I would like to say Happy First Birthday Kali! We love you so much and want you to know just how extra special you are to us.
November 9th 2015
November 9th 2016
To any women that has suffered a miscarriage or infant loss, I am sorry you had to experience it and I know my experience is only just a crumb of what you had to endure. I truly understand how devastating it is and the fact that it almost happened to me created a new-found sense of awareness and super sensitivity to the topic. It’s okay to cry, scream and be angry. Do not ever blame yourself. Lastly, if you have people who are trying to be there to help you cope, please don’t shut them out. Sometimes talking about it is very therapeutic. I learned from this experience who my real friends were as an adult. You never know who might unexpectedly be there for you at your weakest moment.
P.S- The negligent doctor no longer works for the practice. They fired her shortly after I had my daughter and to my knowledge she isn’t currently practicing anywhere.